All you can hope for as a postdoc (2)

I’m applying for a position of Assistant Professor at a small university. Like everything else in my life, I have mixed feelings about this. Firstly, being a small university, it seems to lack adequate funding, grad student enrollment and general resources. On the other hand, I’m used to that. Secondly, the university is located in a town I’ve never been to (I had to Google map it), and not sure I would ever want to live in. Huh. Thirdly, there is a small probability that another job I’ve had my eye on will open up around the same time as the proposed start date of this position. But there is no guarantee this other position will be made available, nor that I would be hired for it (but I likely would be, IF it came available). Huh.

But, I am excited about the possibility that I would be competitive for this job and the opportunity to contribute to many aspects of a possibly impoverished Department. Furthermore, being a small university, I wouldn’t be redundant or overly specialised. I can envision the new courses I would develop and teach, summer field programs I could be involved with, and collaborations I could initiate. That’s exciting. I also have a soft spot for being the underdog.

On the personal side, I desire a permanent position and to make more money (ugh, who am I?). I seek an academic position for my own ego’s sake and I am terrified I will never get a real job, have to drop out of research, and will slip into oblivion among my peers (eeew, when did I get like this?). My insecurities kick-in further when I think that maybe I’m not competitive for this position and I really won’t ever get a job in my field. Then, of course my emotions swing over to the other side and I wonder whether I’m selling myself short applying for a position that’s not really very prestigious, and good old EGO tells me to hold off and shoot higher. I finally fall into an emotionally frozen, coma-like, rocking-foetal-position state where I don’t want to think about it, don’t want to deal with it, just want to hide in the lab and generate data. Postdoc'ing sucks.

All you can hope for as a postdoc

I was at yet another conference this past weekend, and it reminded me that some academic circles make me feel happier than others. I do know what I want to do with this career, and while it’s a pretty tight niche, I have many people who are on my side supporting me.

I guess I’ve been unhappy lately partly because I’ve felt like I’m not respected for my skills. I’m not sure where this came from, other than it has happened historically to me. Sometimes there can be such a snobismus with respect to what you do in academia and how you’ve come to do it. Like academic lineages for example; ‘Oh, you were so-and-so’s grad student!’ or being theoretical vs. applicable. Being someone who put myself through Uni with a night job and lab tech’ed through grad school, I’m not much of a snob. I believe that hard work and good ideas, and a certain amount of luck will get you through in the end, but you know, I’m not completely right. It will get ME through in the end, but others clearly have alternative lifestyle strategies, like student who spend more time complaining to Profs about their grade than studying for the exam. But that's them.

Tomorrow I meet with my advisor and tell him how bored and frustrated I am. But it’s good, I’m over the emotion associated with being bored and frustrated and now it’s just time to get a move on with my life and this postdoc. I actually feel almost back to normal. I was invited for coffee last week by another new-ish postdoc, and that was a welcome break; a chance to hear someone else say all the things that have been going through my head. Tomorrow we have a guest speaker who was my TA back in undergrad. It’s starting to feel like I have a history in this biz. It feels good; dug in.

Damn all you other female scientist bloggers that broke my rose coloured glasses!

A few blogs ago I questioned whether I would recognise sexual discrimination if/when I saw it. Well, I’ve spent all week trying to rationalise a situation so as not to accept that it may indeed be sexual discrimination. But I haven’t come up with a scenario that would make the situation acceptable in my mind. And that sucks.

Here is the situation:
I reviewed a manuscript this summer, which recently came back to me for re-review. With the revised manuscript also came a paper trail of my comments, second reviewer’s comments, subject editor comments, rejection letter, and author’s comments on reviewer suggestions etc. In the rejection letter from the editor the corresponding author was addressed as “Dear Miss So-and-so”.

“Odd” I thought, as I’ve only ever been addressed as “Dr.”, even when I was known by the editor to be a grad student. But, my moment of “huh, that’s odd” quickly turned into “Oh, that’s not good” when I went to the next page, the author’s reply, which was clearly addressed from “Dr. Female Professor”.

My first instinct was to think it was a mistake, an oversight, an embarrassing gaffe by the editor. Then, I doubted my own experience and wondered whether the term “Dr.” was overused as a courtesy to me when I was a wee young thing. But that didn’t make any sense, because this person wasn’t a grad student, she is clearly a faculty member with a Ph.D.

And that’s where I sit now. I’m dragging my heels on the re-review because not only do I have to re-reject the manuscript, I also have to write something to the editor that addresses his ‘oversight’ without placing myself in a situation where I am seen as overly reactionary. I can’t ignore it because it’s simply unacceptable and inappropriate. Even if it were a male prof who was addressed as “Mr.” it would be unacceptable. But it’s more than that…it was “Miss”, not “Ms.”, but “Miss”. It might as well have been addressed “Dear Little Girl…please stop wasting our time with your silly little research and go find a husband.”

Suggestions?

A few things to think about

First off, I’m feeling old again this week, and I started thinking about all the things I want to accomplish in life. So, I started a list of goals to fulfil before I’m 40. It’s a sucky, sucky list. It’s the same things that have been on every New Years list for the past 10 years! (namely things like 10 acres on an island and other stuff that require having a real job), but one thing I put on the list was 40 publications before I’m 40. It’s a little ambitious, but that’s okay, I thrive on setting high goals.

But with this, I realised that the research I’m doing isn’t going to yield any publications anytime soon. I came into this postdoc to work in association with an ongoing project; a project I am really excited to be apart of, but not one which will have any quick returns (think year 1 of a 4 year field study). On one level, I’m really okay with that, it’s the nature of my work and I know that the resulting data and publications will be worth the wait. But the flip side is that postdoc positions these days seem to be meant for pumping-out as many publications are humanly (or otherwise) possible, and moving on to a permanent position without getting caught in postdoc-purgatory.

So, what to do, what to do. Well, my first instinct is to start working on other projects, but this is the first time in my career that I’m not self-funded and I feel that since I’m being paid by the man, I should work for the man (at least 9am-5pm). And I guess that brings me to my next ‘thing’. It’s so hard to build momentum in a new project, and I feel like I’m still dragging my last research project with me everywhere I go. I’m still travelling to conferences and presenting my old research, working on old manuscripts, and generally spending time not doing my current research. Should I feel bad about this?

And lastly, should I be applying for real jobs? Of course I should! Positions which are remotely close to what I do come up so infrequently, I should respond to any postings that are applicable, especially ones that are geographically in places I wouldn’t mind living in. But I’m scared, and I’m tired, and I’m just not ready. I just got here. I want to sink my teeth into this new project…I just applied for funding on a really kick-ass proposal…I’m excited about working with my advisor and his students…and I still have so much I want to learn from these people.

Who knows. Unfortunately, 3 months into a postdoc position and I'm already in purgatory. At least I still have email though.