As I finalise my application package for a tenure-track position, what I was so hyped on yesterday, is now becoming a freak-out.
What if I get it?
Can I pull that off?
Why hasn’t someone stopped me already?
Do I want to live there?
Do I want to put that much effort into teaching?
Am I ready to start writing the do-or-die grant proposals?
Grad students sound like a lot of responsibility.
Am I ready for this?
Am I ready to focus on the next big push towards tenure?
Does it ever end???
I am so naïve. I have no idea what I’m doing. My application package is okay, I think. I have the credentials, but I lack the experience – not of doing science, but of making what I do look all glossy and slick.
However, I know I’m not alone. Many successful scientists in my field that I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and bonding with over beverages have, at one point or another, beckoned me with crooked finger, leaned in and told me the same secret. They have no idea how they got where they are, and worry that one-day someone will find out that they have no idea what they’re doing.
It’s funny though how you judge yourself over such short time periods. I never felt that I would succeed in my undergraduate, I thought that grad school would be so hard and I might fail, and now I compare myself to profs with 10 years experience and grooming, and think “I suck”. But, then things are put into perspective. I talked with a good friend over the holidays, an old roommate actually, and mentioned I was applying for a position at this University. She asked “what position” and was shocked when I said “prof”. Ha ha. She has no idea what I do for a living, and she thinks that since I still “go to Uni” I must still be going to classes and writing exams and stuff. When I talk to my friends about ‘work’ they always cock their heads and ask “Work? When did you get a job?” I had to ask her “You know I’m a Doctor, right?” Ha, ha. I’m grown-up!
