I haven’t blogged in a while because I’ve been discouraged about my future.
The first position I applied for was cancelled due to the economic downturn, and I personally know about 10 people who applied for the second job; the job I haven’t even been allowing myself to think about because I really want it, and know that I’m not competitive enough to get. It would be “the” job. The job that I would have for the rest of my life because everything could fall into place, and I could live how I’ve always dreamed of. I’m too scared to get my hopes up. I didn’t tell my friends or family about the job because I also don’t want them to get their hopes up for me either.
But, in all that discouragement, I’m almost resolved myself to this current life. I am feeling better about being here. I’m making friends, albeit only from work. I trust my advisor and know that he wants me to succeed. My lab is coming to life, and if I could only get focussed and get back some of my past productivity I could make some good progress. I feel blah and numb most days, other days hopeful, other days kicked. That box full of my dreams for the future is still there, yet no closer after 10 years of working towards it. There are days that I think about giving it up, but the alternative wouldn’t get me any closer to the box of dreams either, so I plug on. I have another month before I find out about funding for the next two years. Between my advisor, and myself I can’t imagine that we won’t get funded, but, if I personally don’t get funded then I have to consider that I’m not going to make it in academia. The question then would be, do I drop out now or do the two years and wait for the random drift towards more uncertainty.
