The waiting game

I’m proud to say that I’ve had two interviews this year. The first was a medium sized school with great potential, but a long road ahead to get there. I was devastated when I didn’t get the offer because I thought I rocked the interview. In retrospect I learned two things. First, that I didn’t so much rock the interview as they let me drift through because they had already chosen their candidate, and second that I’m glad I didn’t get the offer because I would have taken it.

I would have negotiated hard, but taken the position, and it would have been the end of most things that I want to return to. Geographically it was all wrong. I would have survived, and worked hard, and been relatively successful in my career, but I doubt that I would have been happy in the long term. Happy to get a job, but how long would that have lasted? The money would have been nice though.

Now I’m waiting to hear from my last interview, which I don’t even want to think about. Again, at the time, I thought it was great, but now I am terrified. I don’t want to think about. But I will say this, the waiting for the call with an offer or rejection is horrid. Every time my office phone rings, my heart pounds. What if I am rejected? What if I get it? I just want it to be over. If I don’t get this job, I only have one other application still active out there. The year is done. My funding ends in May. I will soon be unemployed.

Either way, I am looking forward to some time off. I have projects that I could catch-up on. Camping and canoeing to do. Family and friends to catch-up with. Priorities are shifting for me, and that’s not a bad thing, but it feels bad. I think, ‘if I drop-out, isn’t this exactly why we have fewer women than men in academia’? Because I’m tired of sacrificing my personal life for my career? But then I think of the stress-induced health issues I’ve had the past two years, and I don’t think I have a choice other than die of a heart attack in 10 years. It’s the reconciliation of success versus failure and the life-work balance that I need.