What am I doing here?

A random assortment of manuscripts, projects, half starts and stops, crazy ideas, half-ass data, and intentions for the future. That is my professional life right now.

I thought that maybe if I were to get a faculty position, I would feel more dug-in, more settled, more focused, but now I doubt my ability to get a position, and even whether I am cut-out for academia at all. What I really want is to go home and resume my old life.

Why did I come here? It is still pretty clear. I came because I was offered the position, and it wasn't just any position. It was at the top University, with a department that is packed with leaders in my field, to work with a big name, who I know and like personally, in a dynamic and unique city. There was no way I could have turned that down.

But now, more than a year later, I realise that the dynamism of the city is lost on me as I only ever spend time at work. As for the advisor, department and Uni, it's still all there, looking very nice on my CV, but I have very little in the way of projects to show for it. Preparing for conferences that I have attended for the past few years, I also realise how far my research has strayed from the things that I am passionate about. I have nothing to present at these conferences.

How do I find a way, other than getting a faculty job and starting my own lab, to resume my old research?

A few things to think about

First off, I’m feeling old again this week, and I started thinking about all the things I want to accomplish in life. So, I started a list of goals to fulfil before I’m 40. It’s a sucky, sucky list. It’s the same things that have been on every New Years list for the past 10 years! (namely things like 10 acres on an island and other stuff that require having a real job), but one thing I put on the list was 40 publications before I’m 40. It’s a little ambitious, but that’s okay, I thrive on setting high goals.

But with this, I realised that the research I’m doing isn’t going to yield any publications anytime soon. I came into this postdoc to work in association with an ongoing project; a project I am really excited to be apart of, but not one which will have any quick returns (think year 1 of a 4 year field study). On one level, I’m really okay with that, it’s the nature of my work and I know that the resulting data and publications will be worth the wait. But the flip side is that postdoc positions these days seem to be meant for pumping-out as many publications are humanly (or otherwise) possible, and moving on to a permanent position without getting caught in postdoc-purgatory.

So, what to do, what to do. Well, my first instinct is to start working on other projects, but this is the first time in my career that I’m not self-funded and I feel that since I’m being paid by the man, I should work for the man (at least 9am-5pm). And I guess that brings me to my next ‘thing’. It’s so hard to build momentum in a new project, and I feel like I’m still dragging my last research project with me everywhere I go. I’m still travelling to conferences and presenting my old research, working on old manuscripts, and generally spending time not doing my current research. Should I feel bad about this?

And lastly, should I be applying for real jobs? Of course I should! Positions which are remotely close to what I do come up so infrequently, I should respond to any postings that are applicable, especially ones that are geographically in places I wouldn’t mind living in. But I’m scared, and I’m tired, and I’m just not ready. I just got here. I want to sink my teeth into this new project…I just applied for funding on a really kick-ass proposal…I’m excited about working with my advisor and his students…and I still have so much I want to learn from these people.

Who knows. Unfortunately, 3 months into a postdoc position and I'm already in purgatory. At least I still have email though.