Life goes on

Postdoc’ing is an emotional rollercoaster, like no other, I swear.
• Upswing – received major grant to continue research project for two more years
• Downswing – doing said research project means I live thousands of kilometres from family and friends
• Upswing – about to submit a Nature paper
• Downswing – said Nature paper and 4 other manuscripts have been in prep for 9 months because co-authors can’t agree
• Upswing – I get to keep my apartment
• Downswing – only get to keep said apartment until December when I’ll have to move in the snow (not that I own furniture I’ll have to worry about)
• Upswing – I get to go on a road trip to a fun conference all expenses paid
• Downswing – I hate my presentation, and so does everyone in my lab (they said so)
• Upswing – two more jobs are available for me to apply for
• Downswing – I didn’t get the job I really wanted for some pretty crappy internal hiring reasons
• Upswing – cat, left with parents, is still alive
• Downswing – said parents are dying
And life goes on…

Waiting for NSERC

This is the month that we all hear about funding. The whole academic scientific community across the country holds it’s breath in wait. Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic. But here it is regardless. My last chance for PDF funding. If I get it, great, on many levels. If I don’t, there are some serious decisions that need to be made. I don’t want to think about it.

I’m actually the only person I know, other than my advisor, who takes the funding situation really seriously. I talk to other PDF friends who have this laissez faire attitude. They say, “Oh well, if I don’t get it, something will come through”. And I agree, something will, but I feel like my whole academic future is riding on whether I get funding. And whether I get funding is riding on my whole past scientific career. And I have done everything possible to make myself as competitive as possible, yet it will never be enough to appease the queasy-stomach gods.

Okay, that’s not true. I chose to do research that’s cool over research that’s topical and fundable. I’ve worked in places I wanted to live rather than with people who would get me Science papers. I’ve actually made some bad choices in my career, always playing for the underdog and wanting to be the rebel. And I’ve paid the price in not winning scholarships before.
But not anymore. That’s why I live across the country from my family and friends, sacrificing the last years of my cat’s life, without possessions or a stable home. I’m here to get competitive. I’m here to get the big publications and eventually the faculty position. I know I won’t get that by standing aside and saying, “oh well, something will happen”.

Starting over

I’ve recently started at a new University, which has a completely different culture from my last Uni. I feel like I’m a barnyard kitten someone has brought into the house: I have no idea what is appropriate and what furniture I can sit on.

I guess I can excuse myself for needing a few weeks to get myself into powerhouse mode, since I did just leave my entire life to start a new one, but I always forget how hard it is to start from scratch and gain that momentum. I remember my first year after the last career phase shift – it was the worst year of my life. I was so depressed some days I lay in bed thinking about dropping out, wondering how I was going to struggle through it all. But I did, and I survived, and I thrived. And I will again.

Tonight I went to the movies after work for a change from my usual routine of Home-Uni-Home-Uni-Home-Uni…you get the idea. The movie was okay, I wasn’t moved by the actors, or riveted by the plot, but it didn’t offend me with stupidity, so it was okay. And, in fact, I did get something out of it. In my blasé-ness for the characters, I left the theatre feeling pretty good about my life. I may not be doing wild and crazy, exciting, dramatic things on a day-to-day basis, but overall I’m no Lucy Jordan (reference to Marianne Faithfull song). I’m living in this new, vibrant city. I’m doing a postdoc in a great lab. I travel to conferences and I love what I do for a living. I won’t be here forever, and while the uncertainty of not knowing when and where I’ll end up is painful at times, it’s also exciting, and one day in my next new life, I’ll fondly reminisce about the time I had here.