What am I doing here?

A random assortment of manuscripts, projects, half starts and stops, crazy ideas, half-ass data, and intentions for the future. That is my professional life right now.

I thought that maybe if I were to get a faculty position, I would feel more dug-in, more settled, more focused, but now I doubt my ability to get a position, and even whether I am cut-out for academia at all. What I really want is to go home and resume my old life.

Why did I come here? It is still pretty clear. I came because I was offered the position, and it wasn't just any position. It was at the top University, with a department that is packed with leaders in my field, to work with a big name, who I know and like personally, in a dynamic and unique city. There was no way I could have turned that down.

But now, more than a year later, I realise that the dynamism of the city is lost on me as I only ever spend time at work. As for the advisor, department and Uni, it's still all there, looking very nice on my CV, but I have very little in the way of projects to show for it. Preparing for conferences that I have attended for the past few years, I also realise how far my research has strayed from the things that I am passionate about. I have nothing to present at these conferences.

How do I find a way, other than getting a faculty job and starting my own lab, to resume my old research?

Life goes on

Postdoc’ing is an emotional rollercoaster, like no other, I swear.
• Upswing – received major grant to continue research project for two more years
• Downswing – doing said research project means I live thousands of kilometres from family and friends
• Upswing – about to submit a Nature paper
• Downswing – said Nature paper and 4 other manuscripts have been in prep for 9 months because co-authors can’t agree
• Upswing – I get to keep my apartment
• Downswing – only get to keep said apartment until December when I’ll have to move in the snow (not that I own furniture I’ll have to worry about)
• Upswing – I get to go on a road trip to a fun conference all expenses paid
• Downswing – I hate my presentation, and so does everyone in my lab (they said so)
• Upswing – two more jobs are available for me to apply for
• Downswing – I didn’t get the job I really wanted for some pretty crappy internal hiring reasons
• Upswing – cat, left with parents, is still alive
• Downswing – said parents are dying
And life goes on…