New blog post. Finally.
Well, it took a while to move through the emotional state I was in after my pet died. I realised that I had been well entrenched in this mindset even before she died; that I had been experiencing grief, guilt, anxiety and loss for my old life since I’ve arrived here.
The job market has closed for the season (save one last posting), and I have nothing but two long lists and a phone interview to show for it. The last posting actually has the most promise for me, but whether I want it or not is another question. I want a job, of course, but, well, I guess I’m just scared. I know that regardless of the job, I need to apply; that an interview is a good thing for the CV, and that an offer is even better. Will I be able to do what I want within the context of this particular (or any) position, is up to me. What I am afraid of is not being able to live up to their expectations.
A while back I made a decision, based on comments on a job wiki, that it would be better for me to move onto another postdoc rather than a job I didn’t want, provided that the postdoc would produce high quality publications. But recent financial issues have cropped up, and I simply don’t think I can continue to postdoc. So, with that, I really want this new position, regardless of the location and their expectations. I can learn to teach anything they want me to teach. I can accept responsibilities that I have little experience for, and I can do it all while developing a strong research program.
I’m back to being excited about the future, but we’ll see how long that lasts. Today I’m up, but tomorrow…In the mean time, I’ll try to blog with a little more regularity.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Life goes on (2)
Things have been good and bad this past while.
I finally got two manuscripts out the door, and two more on the wing about to be submitted.
I applied for five jobs, and have a phone interview for one at the end of the month.
I’m not doing the science I want to do, but I know why I came here, and what I have to do to move on, so I’m doing okay.
On the down side, I’ve been living on the edge of sanity with only moments of clarity. My beloved pet died yesterday, and I feel like I’m floating through life with nothing to ground me.
The dynamics of the lab have shifted, and I’m excited to be there for it. I feel strangely calm.
Life will go on. I never thought I would be here, so I know my life is something I can’t plan.
It’ll be okay.
I’ll be okay.
I finally got two manuscripts out the door, and two more on the wing about to be submitted.
I applied for five jobs, and have a phone interview for one at the end of the month.
I’m not doing the science I want to do, but I know why I came here, and what I have to do to move on, so I’m doing okay.
On the down side, I’ve been living on the edge of sanity with only moments of clarity. My beloved pet died yesterday, and I feel like I’m floating through life with nothing to ground me.
The dynamics of the lab have shifted, and I’m excited to be there for it. I feel strangely calm.
Life will go on. I never thought I would be here, so I know my life is something I can’t plan.
It’ll be okay.
I’ll be okay.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
What am I doing here?
A random assortment of manuscripts, projects, half starts and stops, crazy ideas, half-ass data, and intentions for the future. That is my professional life right now.
I thought that maybe if I were to get a faculty position, I would feel more dug-in, more settled, more focused, but now I doubt my ability to get a position, and even whether I am cut-out for academia at all. What I really want is to go home and resume my old life.
Why did I come here? It is still pretty clear. I came because I was offered the position, and it wasn't just any position. It was at the top University, with a department that is packed with leaders in my field, to work with a big name, who I know and like personally, in a dynamic and unique city. There was no way I could have turned that down.
But now, more than a year later, I realise that the dynamism of the city is lost on me as I only ever spend time at work. As for the advisor, department and Uni, it's still all there, looking very nice on my CV, but I have very little in the way of projects to show for it. Preparing for conferences that I have attended for the past few years, I also realise how far my research has strayed from the things that I am passionate about. I have nothing to present at these conferences.
How do I find a way, other than getting a faculty job and starting my own lab, to resume my old research?
I thought that maybe if I were to get a faculty position, I would feel more dug-in, more settled, more focused, but now I doubt my ability to get a position, and even whether I am cut-out for academia at all. What I really want is to go home and resume my old life.
Why did I come here? It is still pretty clear. I came because I was offered the position, and it wasn't just any position. It was at the top University, with a department that is packed with leaders in my field, to work with a big name, who I know and like personally, in a dynamic and unique city. There was no way I could have turned that down.
But now, more than a year later, I realise that the dynamism of the city is lost on me as I only ever spend time at work. As for the advisor, department and Uni, it's still all there, looking very nice on my CV, but I have very little in the way of projects to show for it. Preparing for conferences that I have attended for the past few years, I also realise how far my research has strayed from the things that I am passionate about. I have nothing to present at these conferences.
How do I find a way, other than getting a faculty job and starting my own lab, to resume my old research?
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Long-list
Why do the perfect jobs always seem like they were invented by the writers of Twilight Zone? The old, black & white, Twilight Zone.
Here is the job of your dreams – except the building you would work in smells really bad.
Here is the job of your dreams – except you would have to give up good coffee.
Here is the job of your dreams – except it is the furthest possible distance on the planet from everything you value in your life.
So, I made a long-list. They asked for reference letters. Someone, a group of people actually, found me and my research interesting enough to ask for reference letters.
Huh.
I still find it weird, but I’m oddly okay with it. In fact, I’ve made a break-through on my research (life). I have a direction, and a vision, and I think I’m ready to implement it. I’m ready to have my own lab. I know the equipment I need. I have several projects for students to start on, and for me to write grants on. I once again (Hallelujah) know what I want! It only took one year, to get back on track. Oh, it’s about time! I’m abandoning my advisor's projects, and going rogue. It’s the only way. It’s the only thing I’ve ever done which has made me any progress in life; in fact, I don’t know why I even attempt to work with other people anymore, or see things any other way than my own. (insert Sinatra soundtrack here).
Done.
I’m back.
Here is the job of your dreams – except the building you would work in smells really bad.
Here is the job of your dreams – except you would have to give up good coffee.
Here is the job of your dreams – except it is the furthest possible distance on the planet from everything you value in your life.
So, I made a long-list. They asked for reference letters. Someone, a group of people actually, found me and my research interesting enough to ask for reference letters.
Huh.
I still find it weird, but I’m oddly okay with it. In fact, I’ve made a break-through on my research (life). I have a direction, and a vision, and I think I’m ready to implement it. I’m ready to have my own lab. I know the equipment I need. I have several projects for students to start on, and for me to write grants on. I once again (Hallelujah) know what I want! It only took one year, to get back on track. Oh, it’s about time! I’m abandoning my advisor's projects, and going rogue. It’s the only way. It’s the only thing I’ve ever done which has made me any progress in life; in fact, I don’t know why I even attempt to work with other people anymore, or see things any other way than my own. (insert Sinatra soundtrack here).
Done.
I’m back.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Summer mania
Summer I get manic. I don’t eat; I don’t sleep; I talk incessantly; I have crazy ideas, and generally and sometimes literally run around in circles. This week though, I have finally been able to feel like I have a purpose in life. I am in the field, working on the project that I’m getting no data from. But it’s good. I get up early, I eat whatever I want without feeling guilty, I carry lots of heavy stuff, dig around in the bush and get dirty, then carry lots more heavy stuff out again. What can I say. It gives me something other than my pathetic existence to focus on for a while. And while I am here, I can ask myself the seemingly never tiring question of ‘how did I get here?’
I, of course, mean physically (geographically) as well as mentally. I am constantly amazed at where my life takes me and the array of highly contrasting experiences I have. I have a crazy life.
Awhile back I went on a trip to a conference with some lab-mates. We drove for hours upon hours. We told our life stories to each other. I skipped over most parts and just gave the highlights, but I realise that I’ve lead a very different life from most people (in academia anyway). Under-stated though, I think. But only because it’s complicated, and I don’t like to discuss too much of it. It's definitely an accumulation of events that have lead to this kind of crazy. I think the others in the car were a little reflective after that. I was told my story was “balls to the wall”. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but it sounds painful.
I, of course, mean physically (geographically) as well as mentally. I am constantly amazed at where my life takes me and the array of highly contrasting experiences I have. I have a crazy life.
Awhile back I went on a trip to a conference with some lab-mates. We drove for hours upon hours. We told our life stories to each other. I skipped over most parts and just gave the highlights, but I realise that I’ve lead a very different life from most people (in academia anyway). Under-stated though, I think. But only because it’s complicated, and I don’t like to discuss too much of it. It's definitely an accumulation of events that have lead to this kind of crazy. I think the others in the car were a little reflective after that. I was told my story was “balls to the wall”. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but it sounds painful.
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