This is the month that we all hear about funding. The whole academic scientific community across the country holds it’s breath in wait. Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic. But here it is regardless. My last chance for PDF funding. If I get it, great, on many levels. If I don’t, there are some serious decisions that need to be made. I don’t want to think about it.
I’m actually the only person I know, other than my advisor, who takes the funding situation really seriously. I talk to other PDF friends who have this laissez faire attitude. They say, “Oh well, if I don’t get it, something will come through”. And I agree, something will, but I feel like my whole academic future is riding on whether I get funding. And whether I get funding is riding on my whole past scientific career. And I have done everything possible to make myself as competitive as possible, yet it will never be enough to appease the queasy-stomach gods.
Okay, that’s not true. I chose to do research that’s cool over research that’s topical and fundable. I’ve worked in places I wanted to live rather than with people who would get me Science papers. I’ve actually made some bad choices in my career, always playing for the underdog and wanting to be the rebel. And I’ve paid the price in not winning scholarships before.
But not anymore. That’s why I live across the country from my family and friends, sacrificing the last years of my cat’s life, without possessions or a stable home. I’m here to get competitive. I’m here to get the big publications and eventually the faculty position. I know I won’t get that by standing aside and saying, “oh well, something will happen”.
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