I do not play well with others

So, I’ve never been an academic lackey before. I know it’s strange to say that at the post-doc stage, but my grad career was a bit atypical. Sure I’ve done more work than what was expected of me for little-to-no recognition, but it has always been by choice; I’ve never been asked or expected to. In my previous stages I’ve typically been the PI of my own project, tagging names of supervisors on papers that they may or may not have read, edited, or commented on. But I’ve always come up with my own hypotheses (stolen from the literature, of course), designed my own experiments, carried out the experiment, analysed the data, and wrote the manuscript. I’m used to handing over a complete manuscript formatted for the journal I plan to submit to and telling my supervisor when I want his comments back. Okay, I’m not quite that blatantly bossy about it, as I usually let them know how the progress is going and try to coincide the delivery of the manuscript on their desk with a time when they are available to read it. But overall, this scheme has worked well for me, and them.

The current situation is the complete opposite. I am working on other people’s projects or having students run with my ideas. I have other people’s old data (and methods – ugh) and I’ve been trying to plow through and save an experiment that hasn’t seen the light of day for years. Then, just when it almost touches the surface, my advisor is writing to colleagues telling them I’ll have a rough draft by tomorrow. Um, it’s not ready. “Working draft, working draft…we understand”, he says.

I’m not sure they do understand though. I do actually have a full working draft written, that’s not the problem; the problem is that I’ve never had anyone see the little man behind the curtain before (a.k.a. my brain in action). I’m not brilliant, and I play with ideas and data in ways that are wrong until I figure that out and move on to what’s right. That’s why I typically work on projects for months before telling someone, giving the illusion that it was quick and easy for me. Now all that is going to be ruined by exposing myself to people who are smarter than me. I guess my biggest issue - as in life – is my issue with ‘control’. I like the comfort of my own control. I rarely to do as I’m told, and mostly do what I want, when I want. My justification is that other people may be ‘correct’, but my actions are ‘right’ for me. However, in the end, I still want to please new advisor, but being subservient to him makes me fight the rising “fuck you” in my heart.